I’d like to preface this by saying that if anyone at home was playing a drinking game during this episode in which your buzz words were “Bentley” or “dot dot dot”, then congratulations! You’re drunk.
Now, on to the recap! This is episode six, the midway point of the season and, as ABC was kind enough to remind us over and over in any and all previews for this week’s ep, it is also the long-awaited return of Bentley the douchenozzle. Or, if you’re Ashley, it was the long-awaited return of a relationship still wrought with possibility, because there has yet to be any form of closure. Why the lack of closure, you ask? Well, because of the “dot dot dot”, of course. Drink.
Ashley informs the audience that she wants to make sure she is giving all of her suitors a real chance to win her heart, but that it’s difficult for her to do so when her thoughts keep wandering back to Bentley (drink) and what could have been. She understands that being hung up on the ol’ Bentster is not fair to the other guys, because she’s never giving them her complete attention or affection, but – guilty as it makes her feel – she’s holding on to this Bentley “relationship” anyway.
Side note: It’s hilarious to me that she keeps referring to what she and Bentley had as a “relationship”; she knew the guy for eight days and, if memory holds, her interaction with him was limited to brief flirtations/kissy-sessions on group dates and a one-on-one date that was initiated by Bentley only so he could tell her that he was leaving. Also, he told her she had small boobs to her face, called her an ugly-duckling to the camera, and used his daughter (who has the ridiculous name of Cozy) as an excuse mess with Ashley’s head and “make her cry.” His words. You fell for a real winner, there, Ash.
But alas, the heart wants what it wants, and right now, it wants Bentley. If it can’t have Bentley, though, it’ll accept closure from Bentley so that it can move on. She says something along the lines of “I need to see/talk to Bentley, and get the ‘dot dot dot’ turned into a ‘period’”, which kept alive a grammar metaphor that is not at all getting on everyone’s nerves.
Maybe after finding her period from Bents (I felt gross writing that), she can really devote herself to one of the seven guys who actually travelled around the freaking world in an effort to win her love.
The previous sentence is a much more succinct version of what I think Ashley was attempting to tell Chris Harrison when he sat down with her in her hotel room before all the Hong-Kong-y goodness was set to take place. Her real speech was so bogged down with words like “Bentley”, “closure”, “afraid”, “dot dot dot”, and “opportunity” and she was flipping her bangs around so much while she was talking that finding any real meaning in her words was a challenge.
Fortunately for her, Chris is fluent in Ashley’s native tongue, Insecure Woman, and was able to piece together her heart’s true desires. His response to Ashley’s search for closure was to tell her that Bentley was here…in Hong Kong…in this very hotel. “SHUT UP!” Ashley says. “Is this a joke!?” Haha, yes it is, SUCKERFISH! Chris got you good, Ashley! Bentley has a conscious now and turned into a responsible parent and decent human being! He doesn’t want to play mind-games with the girl who isn’t Emily or Chantal anymore! Zing!
Just kidding. Chris doesn’t joke about things like Bentley or the number of roses left at the rose ceremony. Dude is HERE, and he is waiting to talk to Ashley. Chris hands Ashley what I’m pretty sure is an entire notepad, the first page of which has Bentley’s room number on it.
Chris leaves Ashley to ponder what she’s going to do, and she sits there on the couch for a while, starting at the notepad, while Bentley’s room number – 4315 – just stares at her right back. I know this scene was meant to build intensity leading up to what would surely be the most explosive moment in Bachelorette history until next week’s most explosive moment in Bachelorette history, but really? Did Ashley seriously need time to “think it over”? And did anyone in the audience really think that after a few moments of quiet reflection, Ashley would rip up that piece of paper, throw it around the room confetti-style and say, “You know what? I found the period all on my own.” Of course not. No, instead, Ashley musters all her courage and bow-leggedly walks her way to Bentley’s room in her super-tight white jeans.
She knocks on the door, where the voice from within inquires, “Who is it?” Ashley answers with, “It’s me”, blissfully unaware that “me” could apply to literally every single person on the face of this Earth and that, since this is douchebag Bentley we’re talking about, he was probably expecting half-a-dozen “me’s” to meet him in his hotel room just this morning, the better to play mind-games with.
Ashley anxiously awaits the door to open, clearly hoping that good sir Benticus has travelled all this way to tell her that he loves her. As soon as the door opens, Ashley essentially jumps into Bentley’s arms, pawing all over him and even going in for an award winning-ly awkward kiss. Way to keep it classy, Ash.
Once inside, Ashley finally decides to turn it down a bit, and they sit apart from each other on the couch, exchanging annoyingly chipper “No, YOU tell ME what’s been going on!”s back and forth.
At last, Ashley gets down to business (to defeat the Huns), telling Bentley that the “dot dot dot is unfair to me” and that she needs real answers about where the two of them stand. Bentley beats around the bush for a little bit, uttering gems like “I think you know where I’m at” and “you know where I’m coming from.” Um, no she doesn’t, Bentley. She has no idea that where you’re coming from is a place that finds Ashley physically repulsive to you. He then toys with her mind a little bit, hinting at her coming with him in the future to Salt Lake City, but Ashley – freaking finally – grows some temporary lady balls and tells Bentley that if he’s not into her, then he needs to man up and just say it. She throws an f-bomb in there too, just so everyone knows she’s serious. Bentley responds by telling Ashley, “You’re here [in Hong Kong] for a purpose. It doesn’t look good for me and you. Do all you can to see what you have here.” That sounds like a period to me, Ashley. Apparently, it sounds like a period to her too, and her entire demeanor towards Bentley changes, much in the same way Bentley’s demeanor changed when he realized that the Bachelorette was neither Emily nor Chantal. “You should have called,” she says coldly. “Why’d you come all the way out here if you just could have called…you just wanted a vacay?” Bentley smirks, and Ashley leaves. PLEASE let this mean that the Bentley drama is over. PLEASE.
Feeling free, happy, and finally not haunted by thoughts of Bentley (or so she says…she still brings him up at least 247 times during the remainder of the episode), Ashley says she has found the closure that she needs, and will be able to put her whole heart into the seven guys who have flown all the way to Hong Kong to be with her. It’s good to know that, now that her first choice has left the competition, she is recommitted to her quest for a first-runner up. Because seriously, raise your hand if you think Ashley would have turned Bentley down had he come to Hong Kong and instead said he wanted another chance. What’s that I see? Oh, that’s right: no hands.
Anyway, now it’s time for Ashley to spend some time with guys who are genuinely interested in her…not that their honest interest does anything to dissuade her constant insecurity. The first date is a one-on-one with Lucas, the Southern charmer who hasn’t really received that much screen time thus far. Actually, anyone who isn’t Ashley or Bentley hasn’t received that much screen time, but whatevs. Ratings is ratings.
Ashley and Lucas’ date takes them to an open-air market in downtown Hong Kong, where they muddle through the “getting to know you” type conversations that generally make up first or second dates and they try some of the local fares. Lucas, at one point in voice-over, says he feels like he’s on vacation with his girlfriend, which makes sense if Lucas frequently takes girls he barely knows on vacation and then calls them his girlfriend. Ashley, also in voice-over, says this is the kind of date that is all about how it will be “in real life.” Sure, Ash, in real life you always have all-expense paid trips to exotic locations while getting to experience cool, personalized dates and never having to work and having your every moment documented on camera for posterity. This is more real than anything ever. You got it, buddy.
The couple then ventures onto a pirate ship for a romantic dinner backlit by the lights of Hong Kong. It really is a beautiful venue, and the two seem to have a steady flow of honest conversation. Ashley, of course, gives Lucas a rose, Lucas gives Ashley a kiss (their first), and then they dance on the ship deck. It’s all very romantic, topped by this incredibly epic display of the English language by Ashley: “Lucas makes me feel like a woman. There’s something about his manlihood that makes me feel protected.” I’ll let that sentence speak for itself.
The next day is group-date day. Since everyone’s favorite bachelor JP was selected for this episode’s second one-on-one date (and the first second one-on-one, as all the guys were quick to point out), the group date was with Ben, Constantine, Blake, Mickey, Ryan, and Ames. The challenge for today’s date – and let me break in here real fast to say that the fact that every episode is featuring these mini-challenges now is kind of stupid. Like, really? It’s the Bachelorette, it’s not the Amazing Race. End rant – is for the guys to be split into teams for a dragon boat race. But before they can race, a TWIST! They must venture into the surrounding town and recruit at least eight locals to become members on their rowing team, in an allotted one hour time span.
The guys are then split into teams, and I assume the production managers of this show created the pairs for each team according to appearance, because it is during this challenge that it becomes glaringly obvious that there are two versions of the same guy times three on this show. The blue team is Ben and Constantine, who might as well be identical twins in all their long, curly-haired glory; the black team is Ames and Mickey, being all tall, dark, and moderately attractive; and the red team is Blake and Ryan, the two guys with blonde hair, neither of which have been fortunate enough to receive a one-on-one with Ashley. The challenge is actually sort of interesting and humorous, especially with the faux-twins dressing up in bright pink kimonos and unintentionally chanting “Idiot! Idiot!” in Mandarin Chinese as they rowed their way to a glorious third place finish. And really, it’s not like the first place winners got anything for their efforts. No special alone time with Ashley, no nothing. It was pointless. At least the Amazing Race challenges lead to a clue. Not ONE of the rowers left with a black and yellow envelope with the directions to Ashley’s super secret diary or received a puzzle which, when solved, would take them to an extra key to her hotel room. Step up your game, ABC.
Fast forward to that night, when Ashley has changed into a really ugly cocktail dress (actually, every dress she’s wore so far this episode have been ugly…what happened to her stylist?) and brings the guys to a swanky little restaurant/place of business/building with many floors. Ames, almost immediately upon entering, takes Ashley aside and leads her to the elevator, telling her he has someplace really cool to show her. He says, in voice over, that he wanted to get Ashley as a far away as possible from the other guys, which led him to push the button –in a building that had at least 50 stories – for floor 38? There were clearly MANY other buttons after that one! You could SEE them! What up with that, Ames? Maybe he has a phobia of the number larger than 38. It’s okay, man. Arithmophobia happens to the best of us. Pitch a PSA to NBC. I bet they still do those “The more you know…” ads. It’s worth a shot.
Anywhozie, once the door closes and they are zooming on up to floor 38, Ames pounces on Ashley, and the two start furiously making out in the elevator. When Ashley returns to the party a few minutes later, she is quickly stolen away by Ben, who also gets to lock lips with the Ashster.
Then, Ashley gets swept away for some alone time with Ryan. Meanwhile, every guy on this date that isn’t Ryan starts getting their gossip on about Ryan. They all can’t STAND the guy. They think he’s annoying and overly cheery ALL THE TIME, and they don’t know what Ashley sees in him. They all jokingly bemoan the fact that Ashley is probably going to give him the group date rose. Then they for realizies bemoan the fact that Ashley saunters over, grabs the rose, and actually does give it to Ryan. The guys are in shock. But we haven’t even seen shock yet. Just you wait. Because ish is gonna get real in two nights.
The evening after the group date is JP’s one-on-one date with Ashley, and he’s so cute when he talks about how excited he was getting ready for their date. He’s a gem. Ashley takes JP on a dinner date to the walled city, and it’s all very beautiful and romantic. Ashley then asks a question that wasn’t at all random and/or staged and says, “When was the last time you cried?” JP talks about how it happened when he broke up with his most recent ex and the difficulties he had in trying to move on and find closure.
At the word “closure”, Ashley’s mind fills with memories of dot dot dots and periods, and she decides that JP needs to open up his brain tank, because she is about to drop some high octane knowledge in the form of…dun dun dunnnn…the Bentley story. She reminds JP of their first one-on-one date, which took place right after Bentley left. She says JP knew she was having a difficult time because one of the guys had decided to leave. “What you didn’t know,” she says, “is that I was having such a hard time because it was Bentley who left.” She then tells JP that she was really hurt when Bentley left and that she needed to find closure with him in order to move on and blah blah blah he came to Hong Kong and they talked. Blah blah blah again she’s a new woman and has changed so super much and feels like a weight has lifted and yadda yadda yadda she felt guilty and wanted JP to be the first to know. Sweetheart Jordan Paul seems unfazed by this piece of news, stating that he’s happy Ashley trusted him enough to tell him, that he appreciates her honesty, and that he’s just glad Bentley wasn’t jumping out of the bushes. He’s really supportive and Ashley seems so happy to have shared this little tidbit of information. They kiss and cuddle and I get warm fuzzies.
Then it cuts to commercial break and the warm fuzzies go away when I start to think about all the things JP didn’t think about. Number one: how unfair is it that now BOTH of JP’s one-on-one dates with Ashley have been tainted with Bentley drama? It’s not cool. Number two: It’s awesome that he was so accepting of Ashley’s news, but he really didn’t consider what this Bentley thing actually meant, did he? I mean, Ashley pretty much admitted she was head over heels for the guy, but that, after talking to him, she found closure. But what made her change her mind (and her heart) so fast? If JP thought about it, he probably would have come to the conclusion that our incessantly insecure Ash was dumped by jerkwad Bentley…and if she hadn’t been, no way home-girl would even BE on this date. She would have been, in all likelihood, on the first plane back to Salt Lake City with her new douche of a fiancé. She was THAT into Bentley; she was lovestoned (am I using that right, Justin Timberlake? Please advise).
And while JP may not have followed the bread crumbs to that supposition, you can sure bet that all the other guys did. Remember when I said ish got real? Well, it did. The next night, at the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party, Ashley decides it’s time to drop the bombshell of Bentlinformation. And let me just say that it’s really unfortunate that the night ended in so many tears, because Ashley dressed really well tonight, and she looked stunning. Somebody tell me where she got that sparkly, silver dress. I want.
Anyway, Ashley gathers all the guys in the outdoor living room and, with great gusto and excitement, tells them about how she fell for Bentley, how she needed closure, how he flew all the way to Hong Kong, and how now she’s finally over him. She also talks about how much she’s grown (in, what, the two days since she talked to Bentley?). She ends her speech to absolute silence. I don’t know if she was expecting applause or cheers from the guys, but that is definitely NOT what happened. The camera pans around the living room, where the looks on the guy’s faces (with the exception of JP) range from incredulity to anger.
Blake is the first one to speak up, saying things “must have gone poorly” when she talked to Bentley, and blithely tackles the thing that everyone was thinking but no one else was saying: if it HAD gone well with Bentley, she probably would have taken him back. Several of the guys comment on how frustrating it is that they’ve been waiting for alone time with Ashley and instead she gave one-on-one time to a guy who already left. Sweet Lucas turns into angry Hulk Lucas, yelling and saying that Ashley is wasting his time, throwing f-bombs a plenty. JP tries to defend Ashley, but you can see the cogs are moving in his brain and he’s starting to, at the very least, semi-reconsider his blind support of Ashley. Plus, the other guys are having none of it. Ashley starts to cry. She tries to sit down to talk with Blake, who decides it’s better if she stands when he tells her that he feels belittled. And Mickey, in a move I completely understand but totally didn’t see coming, decides to leave. “If [Bentley] is what you’re looking for, please send me home,” he tells Ashley. “I’m just not interested.” And leave he does, right then and there, without even making sure he told the other guys to friend him on Facebook.
With Mickey peace-ing out to retain some smattering of dignity, that left only one guy to be rose-less at the rose ceremony. That unlucky guy (or lucky guy, depending on how truly pissed off he was by the night’s events) was Blake the dentist. The guys then gather around Ashley, as is tradition, holding their champagne and wearing their roses just like any other night. But this is obvs NOT just like any other night, the smiles the fellas are wearing seem a little forced, and the mood is completely off. “It’s not going to get any easier,” she tells the guys as they clank their glasses, but if she thought she was talking about the experiences of the bachelors, she might have another think coming. The episode ends with a montage of “This Season on The Bachelorette…” and by the looks of things, Ashley cries straight through the next six episodes, including on her proposal day. And most of these tears did not look like tears of joy. Looks like she better find some manlihood pronto to protect her.
