After a one week reprieve from everyone’s favorite guilty pleasure show, the Bachelorette is back and in fine form, and this power train stopped at every tourist destination in Dramaville on Monday night’s episode, with lengthy detours though Insecurity Valley, Cry Town, Jealousy Avenue, and the Boulevard of Broken Hearts. I bet you thought I was going to say “…of Broken Dreams” but PSYCH, I didn’t, because I don’t like Green Day.
The episode opens with Ashley, as per usual, wandering aimlessly through the streets of her new foreign destination. As she walks, she displays the emotional tells of a person in deep contemplation. She throws many a sidelong glance and meaning-filled gaze at the camera as she no doubt considers the arduous task of picking a husband while simultaneously getting a complimentary first-class vacation around the world for free. It’s a rough life.
While meandering, she tells us this week, she and the guys are spending some time in Taipei, Taiwan, and that she feels like this new location and new environment symbolizes a fresh start for her. Not to be nitpicky, Ash, but you also said Hong Kong was a fresh start…and Thailand. But, you know, whatevs. Ashley has a knack for rambling about her thoughts, motivations and ideas, and if the constant repetition of “moving forward,” “new,” “putting the past in the past,” and “fresh starts” in her voice-over segment are any indication, she really means it this time, guys. Like, for realz.
Anyway, she says that she is so super stoked about traveling to Taiwan and sharing the experience with the guys. She also tells us, random factoid style, that “Taiwan is nicknamed ‘the hidden jewel of Asia,’ because not a lot of people know about it.” Sure, okay, if by “not a lot of people” she means “everyone in China and anyone who has ever purchased clothing or electronics.” I’m mean, for the LOVE, I am wearing a shirt that says “Made in Taiwan” right now. Calm down, Ashley. You’re not the only one who knows things.
The camera then cuts to one-by-one shots of the guys on a train, looking all happy and charming and suitor-y, as Ashley breaks down her current interpretation of her feelings about them. Ryan, the man all the other guys hate because he has the audacity to be consistently cheery, is described as “safe” and “full of energy.” For Lucas, Ashley says that being with him “feels good.” She calls Ames “unique” and “so sweet.” Then she straight up comes out and says, “I LOVE Ben!” before going on and on about his incredible awesomeness. She then moves on to Constantine, saying that he’s “easy to talk to and easy to look at.” Last, but not least, she sums up JP, who she says makes her feel “comfortable and secure.”
At long last, Ashley’s voice-over sesh ends and we see the guys walking on over to an eager Chris Harrison, who is waiting for them in the city square. He congratulates the guys who have made it this far and then talks about how two people are going home at the end of the week. Those who remain, however, are taking Ashley back to the states for hometown dates, and he calls the four guys who will get to bring Ashley to meet their mommas “the fortunate four.” Really? That’s what the four lucky-in-love guys get to be called? Worst league of superheroes ever. The Harrison also lets them know that there will be 3 one-on-one dates and 1 group date, and only one rose up for grabs before the rose ceremony. “Pressure’s off,” he tells them, even though they now know it is only one week before hometown dates and so the pressure is most certainly on.
After the guys get all settled in at their new apartment, we’re treated to our first one-on-one date of the week, and Constantine is the “fortunate fella” (see what I did there? Shut up.) who gets another shot at wooing the Ashster. The date starts on a steam engine that takes Ashtantine (just trying to save time) to Ping-Shi village, where their task, should they choose to accept it, is to paint a wish lantern with their “love wishes.” They immediately get to work, painting on hearts and rings and such. Constantine tells Ashley that he wants to write something representative of longevity, and paints “2011 –”on the lantern, obviously signifying the start of their relationship and its lack of an end date. Ashley, apparently oblivious to both the meaning of longevity and the basic visual illustrations of such, reads over Constantine’s shoulder with a look of utter confusion on her face, saying “Oh! 2011…minus…?” Really? Ash…stick to dentistry.
Later, at dinner, the two talk, as people on dates are wont to do, and eventually they set their lantern free (not innuendo). Suddenly, the sky is filled with thousands of glowing lanterns, which were of course sent forth into the sky by other Taiwanese lovers and definitely not by some lowly production stooge working on The Bachelorette because it could lead to “his big break.” Ahem.
Before they cut to commercial, Constantine’s disembodied voice says of Ashley, “I’m open to the idea of marrying this girl.” Well, that’s just great, Constantine. I’m sure the production team is thrilled to know that you’ve been dating Ashley for a couple weeks and it isn’t until now that you’re feeling open to marriage with our Bachelorette. Actually, scratch that: you’re not even open to marrying her; oh no, you’re open to the IDEA of marrying her, maybe, someday, a while down the road. You’re a completely sane, well-adjusted adult and that’s awful! What is wrong with you? Sanity is not a virtue on this show, ‘Tine! Your general skepticism about the getting engaged after just a few weeks on a reality dating program has NO PLACE on said reality dating program. I don’t think Ashtantine is gonna work, folks. Ashley wants someone who likes it to put a ring on it, pronto. You think she’s secure enough in herself to wait around? No! No waiting. None of this “Open to the idea” crap. Don’t care how, she wants it now. Sorry, Consty. You better be ready to be down on bended knee in a month’s time. Otherwise, it’s back to eHarmony for you.
Back from commercial, and it’s time for date number two with Constantine 2.0, aka Ben. The two are going to explore the gorges of Taiwan on the back of a moped, which they are just tickled about it. They giggle and frolic on over to their bright red scooter and hop on board. Excitement floods them both as Ben speeds down the wrong way on a one way street and Ashley SCREEEEEEEEEEEs lovingly in his ears. We’re treated to some beautiful views as the two scoot their way around the gorge and Ben tells us (in voice-over) that it feels natural for Ashley to have her arms wrapped around him. Ashley also appears in voice-over, earnestly telling the audience she feels like Ben is her boyfriend. Well, seeing as how this dude could potentially be your fiancé in a month, I would hope he freaking felt like SOMETHING to you, Ash. As the two cruise down a hill, Ben informs us that this all feels just like a fairytale. Because all fairytales involve mopeds and overly insecure princesses dating many princes in order to find out which kingdom she likes the best. The Ben and Ashley story: just like the fables of yore.
Later, at dinner, the two talk relationship stuff and tiptoe around the word “love.” Ben tells Ash that he’s “on the teetering point of having stronger feelings than liking.” Which is basically a more convoluted way of saying, “Hey! I’m starting to fall in love with you!” Then, in private interview, he confesses that he IS, in fact, falling in love with Ashley (duh) but that he doesn’t want to tell her yet. Um, ya kind of did, bud. Anyway, even if he didn’t, you can bet that, in time, Ashley would go all Paula Abdul and demand that he, straight up now, tells her if he really wants to love her forever. Oh, oh, oh. It’s what insecurity does to people. Look it up. Ashley, of course, reciprocates this almost-loving feelings, and the two totes get their make-out on and ignore dinner in lieu of playing kissy face.
Meanwhile, back at the house, a date card arrives announcing the three people who will be going on the following day’s group date: J.P., Lucas, and Ames. That means that Ryan – dun dun dunnnnnnn! – will be going on his very first one-on-one date with Ashley. At receiving this news, Ryan promptly continues grinning from ear to ear and enthusiastically bangs his elbow on his palm, which I am assuming is a strange, long forgotten habit he picked up from his parents while living in a fallout shelter with his parents for most of his life. Clearly, he only recently emerged to collect supplies and (just maybe!) find a wife, preferably from Pasadena. I’m going with a Blast from the Past motif for Ryan from now on. Roll with it.
So while Adam Ryan gets to golly-gee his excitement over his future one-on-one, the other guys are depressed and mopey for two reasons. The first, no one likes Ryan, so his extra-happiness is super grating for them. Secondly, it’s getting really late, and there’s still no sign of Ben. Uh-oh.
The following morning arrives bright and full of controversy as the guys sit at the breakfast table and on the couch…all of them but good ol’ Benster, who has obviously spent the night away from the Bachelor Bungalow (patent pending). This bugs no one more than it bugs JP, who turns into a veritable green monster of jealousy whenever he thinks about the fact that Ashley is spending time with other men. And his envy is definitely NOT abated when Ben casually walks through the front door, wearing a white beanie, black flip-flops, and a smirk that practically screams I-totally-maybe-got-a-little-action-last-night! He admits that he and Ashley slept in separate rooms, but that does little to appease the fellas. None seemed hurt more than JP, who leaves the room, claiming that his mind has just been effed by visions of Ashley and Ben and that he can’t wait until he can bring Ashley back to New York and get back on track with their relationship.
The whole “getting back on track” thing has to take a little detour, however. Because Ashley’s fun idea for a group date this week involves taking JP (still in a slightly sullen mood), Lucas, and Ames to Taipei’s wedding-photo district and having the guys dress up to take mock wedding pictures. You can’t make this stuff up. And why she thought it would be awesome for two guys at a time to watch their rival snuggle up and smooch on Ashley in commemorative photography is beyond me. But I digress.
As the guys get their wedding garb on, Ashley comments on how excited she is about this date. “Taking wedding photos makes this whole experience that much more real,” she tells us. Why is that, Ashley? I’ll let her explain: “This can kind of show me what it would be like to be married to them.” Face meet palm. No. Wedding pictures as a group date do NOT show you what it’s like to be married to someone. They show you what it’s like to awkwardly take turns posing next to someone who is neither your fiancé nor your groom (but hopes to be!) in front of two other men who are neither your fiancé nor your groom (but hope to be!). Just…just…no.
The three guys show off their photo outfits (Lucas in a long, shiny gold shirt that is more accurately described as a dress; Ames in a bad 80s prom suit [that JP aptly observes makes Ames look “like the offspring of an ostrich and Elton John”]; and JP in a normal tux, a fact that raises his mood considerably and causes the guys to hate him a little bit). Then, it’s picture time, as the guys one by one take hilariously awful faux-wedding pictures with Ashley, who just doesn’t understand why the guys aren’t having the best time ever. “Smile!” she’s constantly demanding. “Act like you’re having fun!” She seems utterly shocked when she talks to the guys individually and finds out that none of them thought this was a super awesome date. Then, when she talks to JP, he tells her about how jealous and insecure he was seeing Ashley kissing and hugging the other guys, and how hard it is to know that she’s developing feelings for other people. Well, like two insecure peas in a pod, Ashley connects with JP’s feelings and she gives him the only pre-ceremony rose that was up for grabs this week. Scene ends.
Back from commercial, Ashley is prepped for her one-on-one with Ryan, wearing a blue blouse and the same tight, white pants she wore when she turned that dot dot dot into a period with Bentley two weeks ago. From this point forward, they shall be known as the bowlegged break-up pants, and you should take that as a clue about how this date ends up turning out. The two meet up, awkwardly holding hands, and they make their way to Longshan Temple. All around them are people in prayer, and watching this, Ryan, comments that there’s something “really romantic and intimate” about it. Not “spiritual.” Not “moving.” No, Ryan pretty much said it put him in the mood. So there’s that. Anywhozie, every romantic and intimate thought Ryan may have been vibing was quickly squashed as the two wound their way into a park for lunch and Ryan began what can only be described as the most horrendous meal conversation EVER. Do you remember that episode of Friends where Ross decides he has to prove his flirting prowess but then ends up talking to the pizza girl he likes about the different kinds of natural gas? Yeah, it was worse than that. Seriously.
So, from the get go, we knew that Ryan was this super enthusiastic solar panel dude who really cares about the environment. That was his thing, day one. But his pointed question of, “So, Ashley, what do YOU do for the environment?” was just really weird, jilted date conversation. You can see Ashley’s eyes get wide in disbelief at the fact that this is the what’s happening right now as she stutters through a story about a guy breaking up with her for throwing away a plastic water bottle and how she maybe probably doesn’t live as green as she should or could. Then Ash, who is obviously not liking path this discussion but probably honestly sees no way out, asks him to tell her something she doesn’t know about being environmentally conscious. And Ryan, dear sweet Ryan, starts up a lively conversation about water heaters. No, really.
Eventually, Ryan, who’d been lost in his own environmentally perfect world, jumps back to reality, asking his dream girl the hilariously rhetorical question he hopes Ashley can answer after listening to his spiel: “Why doesn’t every house have a tankless heater?” Shortly after this, Ashley makes a decision that everyone who watches this show could have seen coming since every…single…interaction between Ryan and Ashley happened. She decides she needs to send him home. And in doing so, she breaks the poor guy’s water-heated heart by telling him that she’s just not feeling the relationship, and that there’s no spark between them. “You…don’t want to meet my family?” he whimpers, in what is probably one of the most real moments all afternoon. I feel for him. He just wants someone by his side as he happily saves the world one solar panel at a time. And, unfortunately, Ashley isn’t that someone. Ashley leaves and Ryan sadly wanders through Taipei, near tears, talking about how he’ll be a good husband and a good father someday. It’s hard not to feel bad for the guy.
But alas, it’s time to move on to the cocktail party. JUST KIDDING! Ashley, empowered by her mid-date decision to send Ryan home, has come to the conclusion that she already has her insecure/wishy-washy mind made up about the second guy she’s gonna send packing. She doesn’t need a cocktail party, she tells Harrison, because there’s nothing this dude can say or do that will have any impact. Homeboy’s time is up. She KNOWS. For SURE.
Rose ceremony time. The dramatic pause before she starts handing out roses seems ridiculous. If she’s so confident in her decision, why is she pausing so much?!?! Anyway, after the intense pause session, she calls out the name of her rose-getters. Constantine. Ben. And…Ames. Lucas crinkles his nose in confusion, and Ashley walks him out. He calls her sweetie at least four times, gets in the limo, and peaces out. And then there were the fortunate four.
Before the episode ends, though, former Bachelor “winner” Emily treats us to a fifteen minute confession session. She has come forward to reveal the truth about what happened between her and used-to-be betrothed beau Brad. I was all set in to listen to this tear fest, but then freaking EMILY said “I guess Brad and I had a ‘dot dot dot’…” and I screamed “NO!” and turned the TV off. There is only so much inconclusive relationship nonsense hidden under the guise of grammar that one person can take.
