Well, we’re almost there, ya’ll. Mere weeks ago, we watched as twenty-five “eligible” bachelors emerged like circus performers from their clown cars (or their limos, if you care about things like accuracy and pretention) and sauntered over to Ashley with gimmicks a-plenty, the better to catch her eye or completely freak her out. We had guys telling corny jokes and trying out cheesy pick up lines; there were creepsters trying to kiss her within two seconds of shaking her hand; at least two men picked Ashley up and threw her over their shoulders like the world’s worst firemen; we witnessed a guy get flat out wasted during the very first cocktail party and ultimately end up blowing his one and only chance with a dental assistant/shot-gun wedding enthusiast; and who could forget the masked man?
And now look at us: Ash has whittled that group of twenty-five down to the fortunate four and not one of those final four men has a name that starts with “Bent” and ends with absolute misery. Our tiny, wobbly-legged Bachelorette is, at last, heading back to the States for hometown dates, and she could not be more thrilled, because Ames, JP, Constantine and Ben are the men she loves is currently dating.
The episode starts with Ashley back in her home town of Philly, as she – instead of wandering the streets – meanders around her own apartment, sipping coffee, packing her itty bitty suitcase, and waxing romantic about her four dapper suitors. For the next seven minutes (that’s right, seven), Ashley talks on and on about the connections she has with these gentlemen.
She starts with dear Ben, for whom she, once again, uses the word love. “I just love everything about Ben!” she gushes, before extolling the virtues of his physicality, saying he has a nice build and a nice body. She also says a couple things about his personality, I guess, and then ends by declaring, “More than ever, I can see myself with Ben.”
Next is good ol’ Consty, who Ashley says is one of her favorite guys (obvs, he is in the fortunate four!) and that he’s very attractive to her. She also tells us that their date in Taiwan (shown to us in flashbacks by ABC, since most viewers forget everything that happens from week to week on this show, apparently) was her first indication that there might actually be something between her and Constantine. Let me get this straight, Ashley: you kept the budding relationship of Ashtantine alive on potential alone? This guy is in your FINAL FOUR! And last week was the FIRST TIME you ever thought there was ANYTHING between you two? Whatever, Ash. I guess I can let it slide, if, in exchange, you (or really anyone) can explain to me what the appeal of Constantine is. I honestly don’t get it with this guy. Is it the hair? It can’t be, can it? Because Ben has hair like that too, only less greasy! Clearly I’m missing something. Moving on…
Ames is the next fella to get Ashley’s Dear Diary-esque review, and she calls him unique (please note that this was her word of choice for him last week as well). She also says he’s funny and humble, she drops another “unique” into the mix of generic man-descriptors, and then she claims that she’s “never met anyone like Ames.” It probably doesn’t bode well for our resident Ken doll that Ashley is consistently bringing up the fact that he’s so different from all the other men in her line-up and, indeed, all the other men not made and manufactured by Mattel.
Finally, Ashley sighs, “…and then there’s JP.” She tells the audience (in voice-over, as all of the most tender moments between Ashley and Jordan Paul fill the screen) that she feels as though she’s known JP forever. With him, she says she feels “so comfortable, secure and safe.” She lets us know that she can do anything with him, and that they can be playful, serious, or emotional. “With JP, everything is there,” she says, and it puts me at ease to know that Ashley’s list of “everything” she looks for in a guy does not necessarily include a full mane of long, luscious locks, since JP is a bald-headed dreamboat. This also means my Constantine is Appealing Solely Due to Hair theory is out, and Ashley, clearly, sees some other draw in the dude. Color me confused.
Back from the first commercial break (seriously, that ALL happened before the first commercial), and Ashley has jetted off for her first hometown date. She lands in Cumming, GA, home of Constantine, he of Greek heritage, greasy hair, a broad shoulders. They immediately run into each other’s arms upon seeing each other, with Ashley declaring that she is “happy as a clam!” when Consty asks her how she’s doing. The two chit-chat a little bit in a park, and they talk about how Constantine initially doubted that he’d make it this far with Ashley, even though his family was certain that he’d be bringing a girl home. “A lot of people are more confident in me than I am,” he tells her. Ashley’s advice of “You need to have more faith in yourself!” seems a little rich coming from someone who spent a large portion of this season wondering if she was good enough for the men surrounding her instead of the other way around, but you know, whatevs.
After their convo, they venture on over to Consty’s place of business: an Italian restaurant named Giorgio’s. Together, Ashtantine makes a pizza. Constantine tells Ashley that the “placement of the pepperoni is crucial” as, collectively, every viewer shouted, “That’s what SHE said!” Somewhere, Michael Scott is proud. The two go outside to enjoy their meal at a mini table-for-two, and the camera pans around back inside the restaurant where the every single waitress has spontaneously (and of their own volition, ABC would have us believe) gathered to watch their Greek head chef mack on Ashley.
After pizza time, it is, at last, family time at Constantine’s childhood home. His adorable Greek father, in private interview, says, “In his face, I see him happiness” when he is with Ashley, and even brings up the incredibly appropriate Meet-the-Parents dinner conversation starter, “Constantine is great with kids!” Whoa, pump the brakes there, bud! They haven’t even forgone their separate rooms to spend the night together in the fantasy suite yet! Amazingly (and refreshingly), Constantine’s mom is the voice of reason amidst all of this madness, saying that relationships “take time” and that “everything’s wonderful when you’re jetted away to these awesome places…[but] in the real world it’s different.” Now I see why Constantine is completely sane and rational when it comes to dating. Once again, I’m sure the producers are furious. As such, this serious (and quite relevant) conversation is quickly stifled, and The Bachelorette is transformed into My Big Fat Greek Dating Show. Suddenly, Constantine’s entire extended family shows up and piles into the house for raucous dancing and exceedingly loud Greek music I’m pretty sure ABC just added for effect. Also, hilariously, his dad makes it rain, throwin’ dolla dolla bills all over the place. To be fair, though, Ashtantine looks like they’re (its?) having a blast.
Next up is hometown number two with the unique Ames in Pennsylvania. Ames looks every inch the Ken doll during their date, with this perfectly coifed hair and his flannel shirt. And he has really, REALLY white teeth. How have I never noticed this before? Maybe he’s been bleaching. Anywhoozer, they jump right into meeting the family, where Ames’ momma and sister both immediately comment on how “smitten” he seems to be with Ashley (note: Ashley appears to have never heard this word before in her life). His mom also concludes that Ames “looks healthy and happy,” and there’s a huge note of relief in her voice, which I assume reveals the fact that she had some serious misconceptions about what exactly Ames was signing up for all those months ago. Um, he’s a contestant on The Bachelorette, not on Survivor. I’m pretty sure everyone’s fairly well taken care of here. It’s okay. All that aside, though, the fact that Ames is so taken with Ashley has made his mother and sister a little nervous about whether or not Ashley is reciprocal of those feelings. His sister Serena takes Ashley aside for a little “what are your intentions?” talk, and cuts right to the chase, asking Ash what her feelings are toward Ames. She tells Serena that she’s “not ready to stop learning” about Ames, which is a roundabout answer about love and feelings and junk if there ever was one. In voice over, Ashley tells us that she does feel something for Ames, he’s just very different. AGAIN with the synonyms for unique? Come on! I don’t think it’s a good thing for Ken’s prospects, just saying. Serena and Ashley begin discussing Ames at length, calling him smart and funny and throwing around the word “perfect.” Serena, at one point, says something along the lines of, “It gets so annoying sometimes, doesn’t it?!” and I start to question where Ames’ sister’s loyalties lie.
After the talky-talks with the fam, Ames takes Ashley out for a picnic at one of his favorite childhood spots, a place called Winter Park, where there are hundreds of willow trees in bloom. They sit under a tree and eat their food and chat, and it honestly seems like the most real-to-life date any of the contestants have been on thus far. And then Ames – sweet, sweet Ames – began talking about finding the extraordinary within the ordinary and finding romance in everyday life. He even referenced the Italian word for a living this way – Sprezzatura – and my inner literature nerd swooned, because there is almost nothing sexier to me than a guy who effortlessly references classic texts, especially something as seemingly obscure as Castiglione’s The Book of the Courtier. Though Ashley probably didn’t fully understand words like “extraordinary”, “ordinary”, “Italian” and anything that was said after the word “Sprezzatura,” they still kissed and it was all super sweet. And yet, Ashley says that she feels like she’s missing the romance with Ames. Sorry, Ken. Your dashing good looks and impressive cultural knowledge seem to be a little too unique for this Bachelorette. Sigh.
Back from another commercial and it’s time for the date with Ben! in his home town of Sonoma, California, where he is a winer (I think the technical term is “wine maker” but Ben! said that he’s a winer, so that’s what I’m going with)! Ashley is so enthusiastic about Ben!, even before they meet up for their date! “Ben is so sexy!” she tells us. “The hair, the fashion, the sense of humor.” Before her voice over ends, she throws in about twenty more variations of “Ben is sexy” including, but not limited to, “he exudes sexiness” and “there’s something just so sexy about him.” You guys, think she’s trying to tell us something about how attractive she finds Ben, but I could be way off the mark here.
SexyBen! takes Ashley to his winery, where they find some things to toast about, and Ashley remarks, “My mom would love this!” Ben’s interesting response, complete with creepy grin, was, “She can come and visit during the holidays.” Um, can’t she come and visit anytime if Ben and Ashley become a real life item?
I can’t make funnies about their date anymore, though, because after they leave the winery, they eat a picnic dinner in the rain outside Ben’s house and have a meaningful discussion about past relationships, the death of Ben’s father, and the fact that Ben has only ever brought one girl home before Ashley. After heading inside for dinner with Ben’s mother and sister (the latter of whom looks just like a female Ben, complete with amazing hair that I covet), things continue on a serious note, with Ben becoming supremely introspective and even apologizing for not having been emotionally available to anyone in the wake of his father’s passing. That said, it seems like the heaviness surrounding the evening brings Ashley and Ben even closer together on an emotional level, and his family seemed really receptive to the connection that the two share. For the second time this episode, hidden among the craziness of reality TV, is a completely honest human moment.
After a brief cut to commercial, we’re back and on our way to the final hometown date with JP in good ol’ New York. In what I consider to be the cutest date yet, JP takes Ashley to the favorite hangout of his elementary and middle school days: the roller rink. Ashley’s jeans, as per usual, are impossibly tight, but she (being both a former ice skater and a dancer) managed to stay on her feet, and the two skated around to the REO Speedwagon song “Can’t Fight This Feeling.” Which, if I’m not mistaken, is not the song they were actually listening to, because there is NO WAY that the second JP fell (adorably, by the way), the music came to a dramatic screeeeeech. Nice try, ABC, but I’m on to your tricks.
After kissing beneath a slightly chipped disco ball, Ashley and JP head to the house JP “grew up in for 33 years.” Really? Does that mean JP lives at home wit’ his momma? Because I’m sure Ashley don’t want no scrubs. They go inside to enjoy a meal of lasagna with his mother and his brother, Robert De Niro. JP’s mom seems extremely protective of her son, because apparently the last time his heart was broken, it was broken very badly. As such, she wants to make sure that Ashley is around for the right reasons. Ashley assures JP’s mom that she is very “smitten” with JP (“smitten” being a word she learned from Ames’ family two days ago!). Later, when JP and his momma sit down for a little talk, JP admits that he’s falling in love with Ashley and that he would have no hesitations in proposing to her in a few weeks if things continued progressing the way they have been.
At long last, it’s time for everyone to return to the original Bachelor mansion in California for the rose ceremony. Once again, there’s no cocktail party; Ashley is ready to make her decision. The first name she calls is SexyBen!, followed by JP. Chris Harrison, of course, comes forward at this time, letting Ashley and the men know (as if they weren’t already aware) that there is but one rose left at tonight’s ceremony. After a dramatic pause, Ashley chooses the final man in her top three: Constantine. The look on poor Ames’ face after not hearing his name makes me think that he has once again been punched a little too hard during Muay Thai boxing. Ashley walks him out, and they talk on the bench outside for a minute, with Ashley apologizing for the way things have turned out. The two part ways with an awkward handshake and Ames climbs into the limo waiting to take him away. He looks utterly devastated, but I’m sure that there are plenty of women out there wanting to share a little Sprezzatura with him.
And that’s that, before we’re treated to a little sneak peek of next week’s episode which, since we’ve reached our final three, revolves heavily around the drama of the fantasy suite. The clips elude to weirdly worded envelopes, beautiful scenery, lots of “feelings,” many hotel rooms, a plethora of misunderstandings and, more likely than not, a few tears. Also, there is apparently a “mystery man” that shows up next week and, for all our sanity, we can only hope that this man is not who it probably is: a man deeply intimate with the phrase “dot dot dot.” Then again, maybe it isn’t Bentley. Maybe it’s someone completely non-threatening, like Ryan! That way, we still get drama, but the controversy quota remains relatively low and the scene can end when Ashley meets up with him to say, “No, Ry, I’m sorry, but I still don’t want to meet your family.” Fingers crossed.
