Can you believe it, guys? We’ve made it to fantasy suite week. It’s amazing to see how far this “journey” has taken our fair Bachelorette. After two months of globetrotting, fresh-starting, bang-flipping, lip-biting, rose-giving, awkwardness, flirty-ness, insecurity, and overarching “dot-dot-dot”-related drama, Ashley has finally narrowed her charming band of suitors down to three. Things are heating up between Ash and the fellas and it’s apparent that things are getting serious. And, if the preview at the start of this episode – which was hilariously introduced by a Seacrest-wannabe announcer shouting, “ToNIGHT on…THE BACHELORETTE!” – is to be believed, time is quickly running out for the remaining gentleman to make a love connection with Ashley. That, or Harrison’s passport is about to expire. Either way, there’s just one week left until someone puts a ring on it and now, more than ever, the pressure is on. It’s on like the former Soviet Republic of Azerbaijan. And Ashley, for this all-important trifecta of dates, jets off to Fiji, the latest exotic location in a long line “per-fect” places to “fall in love,” “find a happy ending,” and/or “get engaged.” Let’s jump in!
Ashley arrives in Fiji via pontoon plane, voice-over already in full effect as she is shown walking dramatically along the beach, traipsing dramatically around her hotel balcony, and gazing dramatically at the ocean waves. Just as in the past several episodes, she spends a few minutes describing her feelings about her lovers/travel companions. Of Ben, Ashley says he has “everything she’s looking for,” is “sincere and honest,” but can also be “silly and fun and playful.” Ben’s twin Constantine gets called “smart” and Ashley makes a point of detailing the “depth” of their relationship, which is funny to me because, if you recall, Ashley only recently (read: two weeks ago) realized that she and ol’ Consty even had a real connection. And then, of course, there’s JP, who Ash gushes over, saying that “sometimes you don’t need 20 dates with somebody to know how you feel about them.” Apparently, you don’t even need, like, five. But whatevs, this is Ashley we’re dealing with. She then tells us that she’s excited to, at long last, spend “private time with the guys alone” in the fantasy suites, and this monumental prospect overwhelms Ash to the point that she just needs to curl up on her outdoor La-Z Boy lounger and journal about it. I guess she’s been keeping this diary since the start of the show, even though this is first we’ve seen or heard of it. Ten bucks says that somewhere in that journal is a page full of “I ♥ Bentley!”
After the break, we see Ashley primping and prepping in her hotel room for her date with Ben. When a knock comes at the door, though, it’s not our scrappy California “winer” waiting. Instead, surprise! It’s exactly who I, with my fancy calculations of drama quotas and controversy ratios, predicted it would be: Ryan. Clad in flip-flops and looking downhearted – as though he spent the last two weeks alone in his room listening to Foreigner’s “I Want to Know What Love Is” on repeat – Ryan nervously begins a prepared speech about how he and Ashley didn’t have enough quality time together, and how their only one-on-one date wasn’t “conducive to passion,” punctuating every sixth or seventh word with a “like” for good measure. Example: “I kept thinking, like, I didn’t feel like we really had a chance to, like, think things through.” First of all, Ryan, Ashley doesn’t know what words like “conducive” mean. Secondly, you’re a sweetheart, really, but did you honestly believe flying all the way to Fiji to woo a girl that a) already dumped you and b) is currently dating three other men was a great idea? I mean, even Ryan had to know this whole plan was a leeeeetle bit out there. I mean, he even prefaced his little sales pitch by saying, “Call me crazy…” Believe me, Ry, we will. Regardless, he hands Ashley a little scrap of paper with his room number on it, tells her he’s going to be in Fiji for a few days, and asks her to think about what he’s said. He walks out of the room, optimism restored, with nothing left for him to do but “wait and hope that she feels the same way.” Spoiler: She doesn’t.
With that out of the way – for now, at least – it’s time for the real dates! First up is Ben, whose date with Ashley is on a boat! (Missing: nautical themed pashmina Afghan). As soon as the two are on board, things start to get real frisky, real fast, especially when it comes time to apply the sunscreen. Ben asks where Ashley needs help, and her coy response is, “My back? I can reach everywhere else, unless you want to do everything.” And oh, yes, he does want to “do” everything. Before you know it, Ben isn’t so much slathering lotion as he is feeling her up and Ashley returns the favor by straddling him and saucily rubbing sunblock on his chest. After this sensual SPF session is over, the two compliment each other’s lotion application skills in what is easily the most overt use of innuendo we’ve seen thus far:
Ben: “Thanks for all your hard work.”
Ashley: “Thanks for all your hard work.”
Thanks, both of you, for making me throw up in my mouth a little.
Next, the two go snorkeling, and Ashley talks about how protected Ben makes her feel and how she’s starting to fall in love. For his part, Ben has already told the camera that he knows he loves Ashley and he’s planning on telling her tonight. At their romantic dinner that evening, however, he decides he still too scared to reveal exactly what he’s feeling, though he does share with Ashley that he’s “on his way to the whole ‘I love you’ thing.” In his private interview, and in a strangely monotonous tone, Ben states, “I can’t stop grinning. I’m happy. I’m very happy.” Maybe he was drunk? He and Ashley certainly seemed a bit tipsy during their after-the-credits conversation about her toes. Anywhozie, if Ben was happy then, he was about to get a whole lot “happier,” if you know what I mean. Why? Because Ash pulls out a letter from Chris Harrison, who invites Ben and Ashley to forgo their individual hotel rooms and spend the night together as a couple in the fantasy suite.
Side note: Is it weird to anyone else but me that Harrison is the one inviting the couples to share “alone time”? That seems extremely creeptastic to me. Doesn’t it seem like it should be Ashley extending the invite? Does the card even have to be from anyone in particular? Actually, I think I was just overly grossed out by the closing line of the letter, which said, “Yours truly, Chris Harrison.” Um, ew.
Back to the dinner, Ben readily accepts the invite (duh), and they head on over to the fantasy suite, which is complete with a giant outdoor pool attached directly to the bedroom. The two take a short dip and then, soaking wet, Ben picks up his woman and carries her, Harlequin-novel style, into their room. I’m assuming more SPF sexiness ensued, but the cameras cut away before ABC got censored for showing too much of Ashley’s and Ben’s “hard” work.
Next up is Constantine, and their date starts by jumping into a helicopter and flying to one of Fiji’s many islands. And, not gonna lie, Consty seems a lot more excited about flying in a helicopter for the first time than he is to see Ashley. This isn’t going to end well, guys. Nevertheless, they seem to enjoy the breathtaking views they see from flight. The two high-five over the beautiful ocean, the green mountains, and the huge reefs, but no reference is made to the most unique physical feature of all: a lonely figure wandering sadly on the beach below Ashtantine’s copter. Why, it’s Ry-Ry! He’s collecting seashells, tossing starfish out to sea, and wistfully commenting on how it’s already been a few days since he talked to Ashley and he has yet to see her again. Dude. She’s just not that into you. Still, he patiently waits. It’s hard not to feel bad for the guy, desperate as he seems.
Ryan is far from Ashley’s mind, though, and she is ready to spend the day with her “Greek God.” The two cliff dive, frolic under a waterfall, and generally avoid all forms of physical contact. Later, when they break for a picnic lunch, Ashley and Consty could NOT have been sitting farther apart. The awkward reach she had to make just to rest her hand on his knee was almost sad. Taking this as a cue to discuss the nature of their relationship, Ashley begins whining about how Consty “thinks things through,” “takes time,” and “puts in effort.” For anyone else, these would be positive traits, but for Ashley, apparently, they’re deep character flaws. She then bemoans the fact that Constantine needed to look 108 houses before he bought one, and though Consty reassures her that “women and houses are not the same,” Ashley, who is quite the fixer-upper herself, doesn’t look convinced. Ashley voice-overs that she thinks Constantine is moving too slowly, and that he needs more time than they have.
That night, at dinner, the critical relationship talks continues, and Ashley asks Consty, “Are you ever overly consumed by your emotions?” He stumbles over a response about needing time and taking things slow, something with which Ashley looks thoroughly unimpressed. After this, conversation starts to founder, as the couple sips their wine and have this emotionally wrought exchange about the quality of their alcoholic beverages:
Ashley: Mmm, sweet.
Constantine: Yeah.
Then, grasping at straws, Ashley starts to bring up the topic of the overnight suite, but Constantine cuts her off before she can officially extend an invitation, and delivers what is honestly the most well-grounded and mature speech in the history of this entire franchise. “I would want, ideally, for me to be madly, head-over-heels, 100 percent sure, ready to meet your father and say, ‘I want to ask for your daughter’s hand in marriage,’ and say that with 110 percent confidence,” he tells Ashley. “And I have too much respect for you, for myself, for my family, and ultimately your family also, to do anything but that. I’m sitting here now thinking, I don’t have that yet…” Ashley nods her head, as Constantine continues to explain that he “knows what the fantasy suite means” (taking things to ‘the next level’) and also “what it implies” (sexy-time). He ends by saying, “I knew if I got to this point and I wasn’t in love with you, I wouldn’t accept the fantasy suite… I’m not pretending, and I haven’t pretended to begin with, and I don’t want to start doing that now.” Whoa. That’s heavy stuff right there. Also, Constantine is a rare breed of man, one who TURNED DOWN THE FANTASY SUITE (and all its implications [you KNOW]) out of RESPECT to Ashley. Constantine leaves and Ashley, who obviously doesn’t like being treated with dignity if it means being dumped, falls back into her old pattern of insecurity. She tears up the invite card and walks away from the dinner table, saying in voice-over that if someone like Consty can leave this far in, she doesn’t know where anything stands anymore. “What if I end up all alone and all of this was for nothing?” she says, before disappearing into her room and closing her giant Willy Wonka door behind her.
The next morning, Ashley wakes up and vaguely remembers that Ryan has been sitting alone his hotel room for about a week now, waiting for some sort of answer from her. “I’d better go talk to him, lest he continue to needlessly pine over me!” she tells us. I’m paraphrasing, of course; there are at least three words in that sentence Ashley doesn’t know how to use. So Ash wanders on over to Ryan’s hotel room, misleads him for a little bit (“I really missed you!” and “If I put my perfect guy on paper, you’d be it!”) but then finally gets around to the truth: “I didn’t feel that passion with you” she tells him, “and the truth is, I have found that here…actually, with two people!” Wow, you don’t have to rub it in, Ashley. Ryan asks her if she’s happy, and she tells him that she really, truly is. And he tells her that if she’s happy, he’s happy. Her job done, she blows Ryan a kiss and pretty much bolts out of his hotel room. Alone yet again, Ryan private interviews and wonders aloud if he’ll ever find anyone. “It’ll happen,” he says, and it’s hard to tell if his saying this to the crew or if he’s trying to reassure himself. It’s hard to see this guy get heartbroken for a second time.
But enough of that, because it’s time for Ashley’s date with JP! From the moment they’re together, it’s non-stop lovin’, touchin’, squee-eeee-zin’ each otherrrr. It’s obvious that JP and Ash have the most physical chemistry. And, by the fact that conversations never slows for a second, I think they’re more on the same page than even she and Ben are. I’m predicting a JP “win.” Call it.
Anywayz, Ashley and JP board a sea-plane that takes them to their own private island, where they hold each other in the crystal clear water and JP tells Ashley that he can’t wait for this all to be over. They then go for a swim, and JP voice-overs that he can see his future with Ashley every time he looks at her, that he has completely fallen in love, and that he wants Ashley as his wife.
Later, Ash takes JP into the middle of the jungle for dinner, and she toys with JP’s mind a little bit by saying, “So…I said goodbye to two guys this week.” JP looks ecstatic, obviously thinking that if three men flew to Fiji and Ashley said good-bye to two…then Captain Baldy is the Ashley’s man. She lets him revel in the moment a few seconds too long before breaking the news that it was actually Constantine and Ryan who have been voted off the island, and Ben is still in the running for becoming America’s Next Top Fiancé. JP is content to be in the final two, although he says again that he wishes everything was over and he was the only one. Ashley immediately jumps on this, saying guys always try to beat each other and be competitive, and she doesn’t want this to be about that. “I want to be the last guy standing not because I want to beat [Ben],” says JP. “I want you.” Cue twinkly music, seduction in Ashley’s eyes, and the presentation of the fantasy suite card. This time, Chris Harrison signed the card without saying “Yours truly,” so either he is less approving of hanky-panky between JP and Ash, or he realized just how creepy it is to say that on an invitation such as this.
Needless to say, JP is “into that” (his words), and the two run off to their jungle villa, where Ashley changes into the shirt Tom Cruise wore in Risky Business and the two promptly begin a heated make-out session. Violin music sweeps over the scene, and it cuts to commercial before The Bachelorette is legally required to change its rating from TV-14 to M. I’m fairly certain that JP tapped that. I’m less certain, but hopeful, that JP expertly used the line, “Hold me closer, tiny dancer.”
The next day, Ashley sits down with Chris Harrison, and tells him that she still wants to hold a rose ceremony. There will be two guys and two roses, rendering the ceremony almost completely pointless, but Ashley explains that “love is a two-way street” and also “love is a battlefield.” I might have made up that last part. Her insecurity was reawakened by Constantine’s late-game departure, and she wants make sure that the guys feel for her what she feels for them. And, obviously, the only way for her to gauge this is to have them take her rose (not a double entendre). Then, since this is a two hour program, she spends a ridiculous amount of time staring at pictures of JP and Ben and saying over and over various iterations of “I really hope they like me, too!” Finally, it’s time for the rose ceremony, where Ashley hands out the roses and both men accept them, which was not at all surprising. After, they toast with champagne and Ashley says they’re all staying in Fiji to meet her parents! Cheers!
We end to clips for the final two episodes of this season, The Men Tell All and the long awaited finale. The Men Tell All was heavy on the Bentley stuff (they even featured him saying, “I’m better in bed than all the other guys”) so he better be all-telling on Sunday night. As for the finale, it looks like there is going to be a lot of drama, a lot of tears, a lot of tattoos, and a lot of insecurity. There’s also a hurtful argument between Ashley and her sister about love, a nervous looking Ashley standing in a cream-colored dress next to a rose, and a man getting off a plane with large feet and shiny, black shoes. We weren’t given a sneak-peak of a happy ending, however, so – for Ashley sake – I hope that’s also included.
