I’d like to start this recap by listing three things I learned while watching The Bachelorette: the Finale Part 1: the Men Tell All: Not without My Bentley Drama: Lifetime Movie Title Edition:
1) Ashely pronounces her last name of Hebert not like “Heh-bert” but like “Air-bay.”
2) The Men Tell All is a huge misnomer for this episode; a better title would have been “The Men Acknowledge Some Things.” Or maybe “The Men Ashley AirBay Sent Home Aren’t Really Interesting Enough to Fill a Two Hour Time Slot.”
3) ABC sure loves false advertisement, because we were promised extensive amounts of Bentley at the end of last episode, and he was the only bachelor conspicuously missing from the all-telling.
So, with that out of the way, let’s get to it!
This “very special episode” of The Bachelorette begins with Chris Harrison welcoming the audience (both at home and live) to his weirdly lit studio filled almost completely with women. I did pick out one very uncomfortable-looking gentleman in the crowd, who was probably in LA to see a taping of Jimmy Kimmel, but somehow got shuffled into the wrong building. Poor guy.
When the adoring crowd has finally tamed their applause, Chris introduces the evening with his standard over-exaggeration: “This season has been one of the most controversial and talked about seasons of The Bachelorette ever.” Sure, okay. He then dives right into the reason people are even watching this pre-finale episode: Bentley. Or, as he puts it, “What’s the deal with that Bentley guy anyway?” What, indeed. Harrison throws out a rapid fire of questions about America’s favorite douchebag that this episode promises to answer, such as, “Why didn’t Ashley see him for who he really is?” and “Why didn’t the show tell Ashley what Bentley was really saying about her?” Lest the viewers actually get what they tuned in for, though, Harrison pulls a Julie Chen-worthy “but first…” and segues into a pre-recorded segment with Ash.
Shot back at the Bachelor Mansion, Harrison’s interview with Ashley includes some incredibly difficult, wrenching questions, like, “What did you think of ‘The Mask’?” Cue flashbacks to “Jeff the Mask” (as Ashley calls him) wearing his signature Phantom of the Opera face-covering around the house, in the pool, and on the toilet. Ashley’s downright shocking revelation about Jeff is that most people probably didn’t know that he “is really domestic,” which we’re then shown via video. Oh, look! She’s right! There’s Jeff vacuuming! And there’s Jeff trimming the hedges! Super contentious! Harrison then asks about Tim, the guy who was so nervous during the very first cocktail party that he got plastered and passed out. “I felt bad for him, because we’ve all been there!” Ashley tells us, even though, no, I’m pretty sure most people have never passed out drunk on a reality show. Ashley and Chris also find a little too much humor in the fact that the Tim works as a liquor distributor and they laugh about how “ironic” the whole situation was.
Chris eventually brings up the topic of Bentley and if we were hoping to learn any new information or glean any insight from Ashley about that whole mess, we were sorely mistaken. She instead takes to repeating everything she has ever said about the Bents: he “played her,” she “never saw that side of him,” and she was “hurt” by him. She also says that “a part of her” thinks that Bentley wanted her to fall for him. Really, Ashley? Only a part of you thinks that? Did you not watch this season? Also, I hate Bentley as much as the next Bachelorette viewer, but I’m starting to have a hard time with the whole “Bentley played me” argument, because she was warned (via cryptic text!) before the season even started that the Bentster was trouble. And…she trusted him anyway.
But enough of the Bentley stuff that people are actually interested in! It’s time for some bloopers and “never before seen” outtakes from this season! We’re shown a clip of JP and Ashley on their first one-on-one date – the two were going to watch a movie, but oh nos! JP breaks the entertainment center! And he is technologically challenged, as witnessed in his inability to start the DVD player! And, totes embarrassing (!), Ashley fell asleep on JP! We see Ashley and Ben banging their sticks hoping to release what’s inside (not a euphemism)! Mickey “crushes his manhood” in a harness not made for men! Ashley got a shameful toe cramp while doing thai chi with Ryan! That last one was probably due in part to the fact that she was wearing her super tight white pants and they were cutting off circulation to the rest of her body.
Then Harrison transitions into revealing the raciest (spoiler: they’re not really that racy) moments that some of the viewers noticed throughout the season. In Hong Kong, for example, while Ashley was staring at Bentley’s room number and silently planning their wedding, there was a bowl of phallic-looking fruit on the coffee table (gasp!). Viewers also noticed that Ashley keeps Vaseline on her night table (scandal!). What highly salacious implications does this have? “I use Vaseline as chapstick!” she tells Harrison, looking mortified that anyone would think something otherwise. “I put it on my lips and just a little bit around the lips. You don’t want to wake up next to me, that’s all I’m sayin’!” Oh, Ashley. Hasn’t this whole “journey” been to find someone who will wake up next to you, every single morning? You and your adorable self-sabotage.
Back from break, Harrison introduces the audience the longest trailer for any television show in the history of broadcast. This extended commercial is for the second season of The Bachelor Pad, ABC’s answer to The Jersey Shore, Big Brother, and every soap opera ever. It is a six minute sneak peek (six. minutes.), punctuated every two by cutting to an overhead view of the literal bachelor pad and having Chris, in voiceover, say some form of “All the drama goes down, THIS SEASON, on…The Bachelor Pad!” With all the weeping, the fighting, the backstabbing, the make-outs, the lying, the accusations, the threats of being punched in face “over and over and over again” until someone’s “frickin’ nose” breaks, and the misuse of air quotes, it became very clear to me: I will most likely be writing recaps about this show, too. Also, Ames is going to be on this season? Bah. Please don’t let the crazy of that house corrupt our unique little romancer/genius.
Finally, almost a half an hour into the show (and after watching a ridiculous clip of Jeff ‘planking’ in the sound studio [this has GOT to mean that planking has jumped the shark, right?]), it’s time to talk to the fellas. Chris quickly introduces every man, where sweet Ames (the only one in the bunch not wearing a suit) gets the biggest “WOOO!” from the crowd. For measurement purposes, Stephan got the smallest “woo” because, seriously, who is that guy? Ames also gets the first collective “awwww” from the audience, when he reveals that he was “frozen” by Ashley’s beauty the first night. They briefly discuss Tim and the fact that he, in Chris’ words, he “got schnockered.” Incidentally, that’s my new favorite phrase. Tim says he honestly doesn’t remember anything about being at the mansion, and makes a few real live funnies by mimicking being star-struck (“Ohmygah, it’s Constantine!”) in the presence of some of the other guys.
Then it’s time for a highlight reel of jerkiness and dick-moves, featuring every guy bashing on Ryan for being an eternal ray of sunshine. Also, a special tribute is paid to William and his undercut against Ben C. on their two-on-one date. William attempts to defend his actions (if you recall, he told Ashley that Ben was looking forward to perusing dating websites, resulting in Ash immediately sending Ben home) by saying that anything he did was just to “protect Ashley.” No one in the studio – none of the men and certainly none of the audience, who all wear looks of anger and frustration in various shades of hilarious – is buying it, with Constantine even saying that William was in already in a hole with Ashley after his comedy roast debacle in Vegas and he was just trying to cast someone else as the villain. William then gets put in the hot seat right next to Chris, where they replay his awful stand-up routine, wherein, if you remember, he said no one gave an ish about Ashley, and most of the guys signed up to be with Emily or Chantal. William actually plugs his ears during the proceedings, the better to pretend none of it actually happened. But happen it did, and Chris – playing the part of condescending yet motivational instructor a la every Oscar nominated film – asks William if he has anything to say for himself after reflecting on that. He also rubs Williams’s nose in the carpet, yelling, “That was a BAD William! BAD!” William, after looking down and acting contrite, says, “I did make an ass of myself.” He adds, though, “I can’t change what happened. I can only change myself going forward.” So, yes, he regrets hurting Ashley. But no, he does not really regret anything else, since it’s the in the past. And he can’t change the past. Acceptable apology? Not really. But, it’s good enough for Chris? You betcha. He delivers one last patronizing comment – “I think you learned a life lesson here” – and moves on to the next man who needs to be all-telling.
That next man is Captain Optimist, Ryan. The crew tortures him by replaying his incredibly awkward first-and-last date with Ashley, but fortunately Ry, all smiles, has a good sense of humor about the conversation that would ultimately be his downfall – the impassioned speech about water heaters. Then Blake, he of huge teeth and dentistry, attempts to create a little divisiveness by saying that Ryan hugely overplayed and over-dramaticized his breakup with Ashley, since the couple had only known each other all of seventeen minutes. This riles the Ryan up a bit and he aims to set the record straight about the depth and quality of his relationship with Ashley. So Blake, for your edification, Ryan bought several books before the show filled with questions to ask before engagement and before marriage. And while he read these books, he took pages and pages of notes. Not just pages…pages and pages. Shout out to the homies he roomed with in the mansion, because they were there and they know what’s up. And those questions he took notes on, Blake? Those questions drove his every conversation with Ashley. After this revelation, everyone looks kind of shocked into silence. But suck it, Blake, because you can’t judge anymore. You don’t know Ryan’s life.
A break separates that intense (and slightly weird) conversation from Chris’ next guest in the hot seat, our resident Ken doll and Sprezzatura enthusiast: Ames! Aw, doesn’t he look adorable? And, if the high-pitched squeals and constant “wooo!-ing” is any indication, he seems to have the women in the audience all hot and bothered! The discussion with Ames doesn’t really yield any new information; it just proves that Ames is as honest, polite, and awkwardly charming as we all thought he was. And, bonus, Chris gives him the hot pink boxing gloves he used in his Muay Thai boxing adventure. I hope he frames them. I also hope that Bachelor Pad doesn’t steal away our sweet Ames and replace him with Bentley in an Ames disguise.
Speaking of Bentley, the show finally remembers why people are watching and it is, at long last, time to discuss. And I mean “discuss” and not “talk to” because – surprise! – despite generous promotion to the otherwise, Bentley is actually not here to be confronted and/or be turned into Chris’ mentee. “We did invite Bentley to be here today,” Harrison tells us, “but, unfortunately, he declined.” Um, obvs. Anyway, instead of talking to Bentley, we get the next best thing: people talking about Bentley. Blake calls him “a narcissist, a liar, and a coward.” Michelle Money (who was the one that sent Ashley The Text and is further promoting herself since she’s on Bachelor Pad) says that “he owes a lot of people an apology.” Matt tells Bentley to “go eff yourself.” Not the first time he’s heard that, I’m sure.
And…that’s all the time Bentley gets (seriousltrk3e9ojro3ej?) because instead, on this special where, you know, the MEN are supposed to be TELLING ALL, Ashley shows up! She walks on stage in a little, black dress, and it must have caught a snag backstage, because no one would pay for a dress to be “artistically” slashed like that on the torso, right? Anyway, before you know it, Ashley is crying, because it really hurt that Bentley called her “an ugly duckling.” You know, she’s really letting the words of a man she doesn’t care about affect her a whole stinkin’ lot. Pull it together, girl. She and the guys chat a little, and then Chris (re)introduces Ashley to Tim, who apologizes for getting drunk that first night in the mansion. Because I’m sure that Ashley has been hung up on not getting her closure with Tim, and really needed that in order to move on. You know what she probably did need, but never got, though? An answer as to why the show never told her that Bentley was a complete jerk behind her back and that he wasn’t there for The Right Reasons. You promised us ALL an answer to that, Chris! You sit on a throne of lies. Next year’s Bentley will fool next year’s Ashley. The cycle continues. I hope you’re happy, Harrison.
Then DeAnna (whose last name is Pappas but I always think is DePappas), Jason and Ali show up for whatever reason to dish on this season and it’s drama, but I fast-forwarded through their segment because…I really didn’t care.
Last, but not least, we’re shown a few more bloopers (all of which seem a lot more real than most of what we’re actually shown during the episodes) and we get Ashley’s assurance that she is “very happy.” And then, that’s that. The reunion is over, and we have just one episode left of this season – the Finale: Part 2. And you better believe it will be one of the most controversial and talked about finales of The Bachelorette…ever.
